Ballad of Charles Saatchi

 The old-fashioned millionaire




I says, ‘put on your coat’
She wouldn’t stop her yap
So I’ve grabbed her round throat
I ain’t given her no slap!

She's made me do it, I swear
She’s jealous. She’s turned to fat
She’s scared I’m looking elsewhere
They’re all the same, birds like that
 

OK, it don’t look good
But them cameras, they lied
Look at it this way, blood
She’s hardly even cried!

She’s made me do it, the tart
Flirting with every bloke
She knows nuffink about art
She’s turned me into joke!

Goddess

Think of me as your Cavalier

You are my Golf, my Yaris

I would take you for a beer

Or for a weekend, in Paris

Think of me as your Subaru

You are my Saxo my Polo

There is little I wouldn’t do for you

I would give you my last Rolo

Think of me as your Granada

I would lend you my best winter coat

I would be kinder, try harder

Than that beast who grabbed your throat

You are my Prius, Nigella

My Cherry; I’m your kind of fella

No net

For Andre

They are the rule-breakers, almost foolhardy

See them skip recklessly across the wire

Throw shapes with their shadow puppetry

Or pass their bare skin through the fire

We admire the illusion, is it trickery?

As they juggle with light, burst out of the stave

Their skill lies in their audacity –

Fortune favours those who are brave

They know, with mathematical certainty

When to push, when to gamble with their art

See them dance around eternity

We’re not like them. We could not scale their height
They are the poets of the cold, thin air

They need no net. They know that one is there.

Poor Odysseus

You are known in the local nick

And, also, down at the police station

For inspiring every lunatic

In this inebriated nation.

Look what you did to poor Odysseus –

You gave Circe the potion for his wine.

In order to make a fool of us

You turned all of his men into swine.

As you creep around the sky at night

Staring down with your owl's eye

You like to make us argue and fight

But, if I were to use as an alibi

The fact that you toy with us for sport

My words would simply be laughed out of court.