I am not a cannibal ... but

To Tom


Before the rising of the sun

A package came from Amazon

He woke me from deep sleep that lad.

Was eating him really so bad?

He was … number one

It took me hours to get through

My boiler broke. What can you do?

The man they sent out was a dork

He tasted something like roast pork

He was … number two

I fell in love with that settee

It suited my flat perfectly

But five weeks is too long too wait

He paid the price for being late

He was … number three

Sunday morning. Knock on door

I’ve warned religious types before

He hinted at the fires below

My blood sugar was rather low

He was … number four

Without meat how can humans thrive?

It’s tasty and keeps us alive

Tesco forgot my weekly roast

From that moment their man was toast

He was … number five

I’m living somewhere in the sticks

I have few friends. I rarely mix

We talked a bit. I asked him in

Yes, it was probably a sin

He was … number six

Since I won't be going to heaven

I drove camper van to Devon

I saw him on a lonely path

Do I have to draw a graph?

He was … number seven

I had to fix my squeaky gate
But B&Q are second-rate
When I asked them what to do
That fellow didn't have a clue
He was ... number eight

I said ‘Deliver no more wine!’

Ignoring me they crossed the line

I braised him slowly on the bone

With a delightful Cotes du Rhone

He was … number nine

They keep sending these useless men

Excuse me, there’s the bell again!

A voice inside me says it’s wrong

But now I’ve wronged, I must go on

Here comes … number ten